Falling in love was the furthest thing from Lynda Bellingham's mind when she went to buy a house in Spain. But four years on she is now married to the man who stole her heart, Michael Pattemore, who she refers to affectionately as 'Mr Spain'. And, as this star of British stage and screen acknowledges, life has a funny way of working out.

Given Lynda's past relationship history it's easy to understand her caution. She married and divorced for the first time when she was very young. Lynda then had two sons Michael, now 25, and Robbie, 20, with her second husband. After spending 16 years in what she later admitted was an abusive marriage they, too, divorced in 1997.

Meeting 'Mr Spain' was all a bit Shirley Valentine, says Lynda. He's 52 and my toyboy. Except that I wasn't on holiday and he's not Greek, he's from Dorset. We met while I was trying to buy a house in Spain and he gave me advice on a mortgage. In my wildest dreams I'd never have imagined I'd marry him or, in fact, get married for
a third time.

Love, lust and romance are vital – you have to have the passion – but they often disguise a lack of anything else, which may not be apparent until it's too late. I've learned you're far more likely to have a successful relationship with someone you have common ground with, in terms of your background, culture and interests.

I don't fall in love easily and I've never been much of a romantic, but that's probably just a safeguard. And I think it would be pretty naff now for two old people, like us, even to be seen holding hands.

Michael puts his hands on my bum when we're out to wind me up as he knows I get embarrassed by public displays of affection. But I've still got a fantastic sex life. The older you get, the more experience you have, so the more you know what works and what doesn't. Now I don't end up trying too hard to impress the other person. Life's too short. Also I've realised there's nothing new about sex. It's all been done before.

I know someone who had an affair with Jack Nicholson and she said he made her feel as if she was the only person in the whole world. That's the sexiest thing ever.

There's nothing wrong with playing dumb to get a man. People may hate me for saying this but my mother's generation were far more canny about the opposite sex. We women's libbers came along and messed it all up. Now it's gone full circle.

We should be offering men comfort and pampering. If you make a man feel good you'll win him over. I'm independent and have a life of my own but I'm attentive to Michael. It doesn't mean I'm compromising myself as I definitely can't be something that I'm not.

I go for the alpha male, someone a bit rough and ready and with a sense of humour. Strong women tend to attract needy men but Michael doesn't need me – he is emotionally and financially independent. And it was different because we met when our children were already grown up. So now our plans simply involve having a good time.

If you'd asked me 10 years ago what I'd wanted most from life I'd have said to win an Oscar and be a huge success as an actress. But I've realised now that wouldn't have made me half as happy as I am with Michael. Without wanting to sound too smug I know it was meant to be. Although saying that I don't want to tempt fate.

I'm always so frightened when things are going well. There's part of me waiting for it to end in disaster. As for what the future holds, we'd love to travel the world – though I'd have to cook my sons' meals for the next year and freeze them before I went.

But it would be nice, for once, not to feel responsible for anyone, and have some
time just for me and 'Mr Spain'. Hopefully it's third time lucky and this husband
is for keeps.