Worries about not loving your second child as much as your first are normal. Rest assured, when the second child comes the love will come, too. For some mums the surge of love is immediate, for others it takes longer. Mum Clare O’Brien elaborates. “I cared for my second daughter, but it wasn’t the overwhelming love I’d felt for my first. It took a couple of months, but now I can’t imagine my life or family without her.”
The ideal age gap between children
In the UK, most mums leave two to three years between births, although the fact is, there’s no perfect time for a second child. However, most researchers who’ve tried to tackle this question agree that waiting 18 to 23 months after the birth of your last child before conceiving another seems best for the new baby’s health. Two recent US studies found that babies conceived less than six months after the birth of a previous child are more likely to be born prematurely or underweight.
Lisa Mountford got pregnant again when her daughter Lily was two. “I didn’t want to leave too big a gap but didn’t feel ready any earlier,” she says. “Dealing with the demands of a toddler and a baby was really hard at first, and Lily was very jealous of Joe. She even bit his little toes when he was breastfeeding! But now Lily is five and Joe is three and they are best friends – always giving each other kisses and cuddles.”
A bigger age gap
Spacing children further apart, such as three or four years, will allow you to give each child more individual attention, which may make sibling rivalry less likely. Baby and childcare expert Dr William Sears believes that this is a natural gap. “In cultures that practise natural child spacing by unrestricted and extended breastfeeding, the children are usually spaced an average of three years apart. And with a bigger age gap, the older child is often willing to help with the younger sibling.”
Mum Jacqui Green believes a bigger gap makes child rearing easier. “I have three kids, a boy age six, and two girls, age three and two. It was much easier to take care of my middle child when she was born because my son was old enough to understand and to do some things for himself. My daughters are just 14 months apart and it’s very difficult to take them out and to find a babysitter. In my opinion, spacing kids a few years apart is best for the children – and the parents!” Nisha Patel isn’t so sure. ‘I’d just about got myself together by the time Raj was three. Then Raoul came along and having a tiny baby again was a shock to the system!’
Are you having problems conceiving second time around? Midwife and Baby & Toddler Club expert Zita West explains.
“It’s more common than you think, so don’t panic. On average, it takes 12-18 months for your body to get over the birth of a child. You also need to look at your lifestyle. With a toddler in the house, you’re likely to be tired and sex probably won’t be top of your agenda! Also ask your GP to check for any underlying conditions, such as anaemia or thyroid problems. A caesarean section and complications with a previous labour could affect conception, too.”
If you are thinking about adding to your brood, why not ask other mums about their experiences on our Forum? Sign up today!
Babies and money matters
Financial considerations may help determine the gap for you. Can you afford to stay at home or to pay for the new baby’s childcare if you want to stay in your job? Leaving longer between children may give you time to get your finances back on track. The total cost of raising a child in a typical two-parent working household from birth to age 21 is now a whopping £180,000. The research from financial services company Liverpool Victoria shows that this works out at £8,578 for each year up to age 21 – that’s £715 a month, or £23.50 a day – more than any other European country. No wonder adding to your brood can be daunting for you and your partner! If, after frank discussions, you and your partner just can’t agree on when to try for number two, counselling may help you explore your options.
Finally, it’s worth reiterating that there’s no ideal gap that makes things easier and better for both parents and kids – what doesn’t work so well in one family may be great for another, and fantastic relationships between siblings can form, whatever the age gap.
