Life in a woman's world
Many women say that they’d like their partners to be more involved with child rearing, and research shows they are on to something. Pre-school children who spend time with dad are more likely to be sociable at nursery, besides other benefits. So, one day my partner and I decided to become part of a new social trend. She went back to her job as a teacher while I stayed at home with Louise.
On the first day, I took Louise to the playground. I sat by the sandpit, sipping a coffee, as she beamed at me happily. Being a full-time dad was, I felt, quite literally, a walk in the park. But I hadn’t anticipated the reality of being a man in a woman’s world, a world in which it is easy to become marginalised and isolated.
Obstacles faced by stay-at-home dads
Historically, morning get-togethers in church or village halls have been known as Mother & Toddler groups. While most now term themselves Parent & Toddler, it’s still a woman’s world. At the risk of generalising, men face three obstacles. First of all there’s envy (“I wish my husband would do that so I could go back to work”). Then there’s suspicion (“What’s he doing here? Hasn’t he got a proper job?”). Followed closely by indifference (“There’s no point talking to him, we’ll have nothing in common”).
In one group we went to, I was usually the only man. Every week it was like going to a party where I didn’t know anyone. It ended with a song in which the parents would bid farewell to the children. “Goodbye Katie, goodbye Ben,” trilled the mothers to the tune of Nice One Cyril. “Goodbye Louise, we’re glad you came today.” If you really were glad to see us, I’d mutter, some of you would have talked to us during the last hour.
What was wrong, I wondered. I have a full set of teeth, shower fairly regularly and, on a good day, consider myself friendly enough. And although I may be biased, my daughter is adorable. Was it a me problem, or a men problem?
A woman's worth
“You can’t talk to men about the things you talk to women about,” says Trisha Ambrose, mum to Emily, nine months. “Like moaning about your husband!”
But surely we’re good company? “You can’t have as much of a laugh with men,” she says. “If I talked about nappies and nursing bras to a man, he wouldn’t be interested. We lack common ground.”
Dads as main carers
Life can be hard, then, for the estimated 155,000 men who are looking after the family or home full-time. But it’s something women had better get used to. Research by the National Child Development Study reveals that in 36 per cent of dual earner families, the father is the main carer when the mother’s at work.
But despite some old-fashioned attitudes out there, it’s vital for men to be involved with their kids. A recent research report called What Good are Dads? has found that we fathers can have a huge influence on our children.
The study found that father involvement from an early age can improve educational achievement and cut criminality later. And pre-schoolers who spend time playing with their dads are often more sociable when they go to nursery.
Another study from University College, London, found that babies who weren’t given regular care by their dads experienced friendship and relationship difficulties three times above the national average. And lots of studies indicate that children who continue to have a positive relationship with their father after divorce or separation, do better than those who don’t.
Happily for me, time has worked wonders and 18 months on, I’m one of the gang. I have found some delightful playgroups and made some great friends. I lead the chorus of the hokey-cokey and chat about baby bonds and nursery. I am invited to birthday parties, hang around friends’ houses and go for coffees with the girls. And sometimes the boys. We exchange empathetic smiles when our little ones have a tantrum and roll sympathetic eyes when it emerges that young Ben or Charlotte started the day at 5am.
Full-time fatherhood, I’ve learned, is a bit like friendship. Don’t expect it to happen at once; you have to work at it and things will develop at their own pace.
Like what you’ve read? Tesco Baby & Toddler Club magazines are filled with great information and expert advice tailor-made for every stage from pregnancy through to baby and toddler. Find out more here.
